What we say to our sweethearts is more important than we think.
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. To some, this may be a manufactured holiday intended to sell flowers, sweet cards, chocolates, and stuffed animals. I need y’all to know that I am here for all of it!
I love Valentine’s Day. In fact, I bet even the strongest cynic will be on my side before we part ways today. Why? Because we can choose to use this day to reflect on our relationships, specifically our marriages, and dig deep into the quality of our interactions. Cars need regular tune-ups and chimneys need an annual cleaning, why not use the holiday of love to check in on our marriages.
Today, we will specifically look at communication with our husbands. As an avid communicator, my personal thoughts are that what and how we communicate are incredibly important and impact our satisfaction levels within each relationship. Through my research, I found that I am not alone and psychology backs me up. Yea!
Communication Complexities
Within marriage, communication, or the lack of it, can be an indicator of the health of our relationship. This encompasses both verbal and nonverbal methods of getting our point across.
Psychologist, John Gottman of the Gottman institute, studied couples to determine if there are communication indicators that can predict the breakdown of a relationship.
What he found were four communication styles which he called “the four horsemen” that couples exhibited that led to the end of relationships.
The four horsemen are:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Honestly, I think I have dabbled in all of these. If we are not mindful, the four horsemen can trot right into our conflicts and mess up all of the work we have done to build up our marriages.
Thankfully, Mr. Gottman didn’t leave the research there. He went on to identify an antidote to the four horsemen. It is so simple it may blow your mind.
The tool we can use to improve our chances of having a loving and lasting marriage is respect.
Having respectful interactions with your spouse, in and out of conflict, is an indicator of a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean that all of your words must be syrupy sweet and you ignore any conflict. What it does mean is that you are intentional and mindful of the words you choose, the tone you use, and the use of your body to communicate your feelings.
Respectful Interactions
Marriage is messy and the perfect breeding ground for monumental conflict. We take two imperfect sinners, put them under one roof, and have them share money AND a bathroom. You know it is only a matter of time before it all hits the fan.
Conflict isn’t a bad thing and is actually essential for growth. It is a necessary evil in marriages to help get the kinks worked out. Without conflict, someone is probably getting walked all over.
We have a lot to learn from the things that bring tension into our homes and it gives us opportunities to compromise, negotiate, submit, and lead.
In a beautiful piece of scripture from 1 Peter 3:1-2 we read “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
I am not trying to get into the topic of submission today, I promise. I am, however, pointing out that we are to be respectful to our husbands regardless of how they act. It is our devotion to Jesus that should shine through us and give us the ability to love and honor our husbands, which in turn honors God.
Have you heard the song “Love is a Battlefield”? For us Christian wives, our marriage is a mission field. Our reverence for the Lord manifests in a love for our husbands that brings all of the glory back to the Lord.
Taming the Tongue
Can we agree now that what we say and how we say it are incredibly important? I have thought before that I could get control over my need to say everything little thing that pops into my head. It turns out, I don’t have that kind of power.
In James 3:8 it states that “…no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”
I tried right? Stupid tongue can’t be tamed. Guess I am doomed.
No! You and I have hope. Hear me out, maybe we won’t always get it right. We will probably still say many stupid, inappropriate, and even mean things to our sweethearts. Even if the tongue can’t be tamed, it can be surrendered.
Jesus made a way for even the most wayward communicator among us and longs to help us use the gift of communication for His glory.
In Luke 6:45 it says “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil store up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”
What is going on in your heart? What does the overflow tell you about what needs to be surrendered? Take these things to the foot of the cross. This is a job for Jesus. Ask Him to help you with the things going on in your heart so that the overflow reflects more of His love.
We can all improve in our communication and the best part about all of this is that Jesus is ready to help us. Spend time with Jesus soon and ask Him to reveal ways in which you can spread His love through the words you choose.
This is my prayer for all of us today, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord…” Psalm 19:14.
I’m cheering you on!
Sheila